How a career break changed my life for the better
In 2021, I slipped into a deep trench of depression, insecurity and self-hate.
I felt like an impostor at work and sank into a vicious cycle of doubt and committing simple mistakes in my deliverables. My teammates began to notice that I was falling behind. But despite their best efforts to cover for me, I fell further and further behind on my deadlines.
In my heightened state of insecurity and paranoia, even positive feedback translated to pity in my mind.
As I spent more and more time correcting my mistakes, my home life and social life took a beating. I felt that I couldn’t meet a perceived standard of success and put-togetherness needed to be the son of my parents and the friend of my friends. So, I stopped going out and shut myself in my room for large parts of the day.
Therapy helped, but it helped in small increments. Like a sandcastle chewed up by the tide, my progress washed away in the daily challenge of not getting fired.
One day in August, the noise in my head crescendoed to a loud, persistent buzzing. That night, over a bowl of mango bingsu, I told my dad I would quit the next day.
It turns out that quitting without a plan is easy. I turned in my papers, did my time and revelled in the unburdening of expectations at work.
I want to preface the rest of this story with the disclaimer that I am supremely privileged to have money saved up and a family that is able and willing to support me through this. What I did may not be possible or prudent for most people.
Escape — Wandering north and south
After three months of just luxuriating in my new-found freedom, I wanted to untether myself even further from the people and problems that had brought me to this juncture.
I didn’t want to be in the same four walls where I had stewed and wilted. I didn’t want to stare at the computer screen that had burned holes in my soul through my eyes. And I didn’t want to stare into my Mom and Dad’s doubtful and anxious eyes.
I packed a 60L backpack with a single pair of pants, thermals, a few t-shirts, a sweater, inners, a puffer jacket and a camping tent. Then, I set out to get lost somewhere in the mountains for an undecided period.
I flew out to Kasol, a little mountain village in the Indian state of Himachal Pradesh, renowned for its hippy appeal and breathtaking alpine beauty.
Over the next month and a half, I stayed at little shacks where the morning sunlight warmed my back while my limbs froze from the frosty December air.
I played cards for hours on little wooden benches with backpackers and escapists from every walk of life — a national Judo champion, a 50-year-old sculptor, nomadic stock traders and Civil Services aspirants recovering from their latest failed examination. We had no thoughts other than the hand we played and no plans other than the next meal.
Every three days, I would stand boxer-clad in a hostel laundry room with goosebumps on my legs as I sanitized my single pair of pants. I needed nothing more than what I carried.
I would spend afternoons drinking in the rarified air and the surging glacial water carving pebble-strewn river banks and gullies. I would walk through autumn apple orchards in the evening light. And count satellites crossing constellations at night.
I experienced my first ever snowstorm in a cabin heated by a tandoor oven while a new friend spent an hour carefully crushing herbs into a perfect cone while the snow caked up outside the windows.
I stayed in a 2000-year-old monastery and crossed a mountain pass in one of the heaviest recorded snowfalls in the area.
I roamed this wintry landscape until I got tired of eating instant noodles and rickety buses.
But I didn’t want this aimlessness to end. So I flew down south to the beach towns of Pondicherry and Mulki where I learned to scuba dive and surf. My frosty arms thawed and tanned on the searing beaches.
At this point, I had expended every prodigal impulse and wanted to go home.
Retreat — Dealing with being home-bound and jobless
I had built this image of myself as a wandering hermit returning home with a scrappy beard and a 1000-yard stare. But homecoming was much less exciting.
I got used to being home pretty quickly. And people got used to having me around them. My recounting of the decision to quit and my fond recollection of my time away met with a mixture of polite enquiry, mild envy and even a little bit of relief from listeners who thanked their stars for still having a job in 2022.
After a few days of R & R, I started making a schedule of daily activities. I didn’t want to go back to work just yet. But I wanted to work for myself at least.
So, I bought some filming equipment and set up a YouTube channel where I guided MBA aspirants on how to write successful application essays. That evolved into a small business providing personalized admissions consulting, which brought me a little pocket change.
I started hitting the gym. And that helped keep the noise in my head at bay. Yes, the noise was coming back as I became increasingly enmeshed in my old life. I was bored and aimless for most of the day between short bursts of activity at the gym and on my channel.
Around this time, I also met the woman I am now engaged to. The combination of being financially unsecured, mentally insecure and handling a long-distance relationship began to wreak havoc on our fledgling romance.
At the same time, my father came out of retirement to take up a lucrative consulting gig. And my friends were celebrating promotions, marriages and childbirths. My momentum had dropped to zero while the world ran past me.
The voice was back in full force. And I needed professional help.
Confrontation — Addressing the root causes of my restlessness
After years of negative interactions with different forms of therapy, including a hypnotist at one point who didn’t do anything for me at all, I didn’t have great expectations. But I lucked out with the first therapist I tried. And she changed the trajectory of my mind.
It was long, slow and arduous work. Every weekend, I would find myself on a Zoom call or in an armchair in her living room, physically struggling to label my emotions. Session by session, we dragged out the engraved obsessive tendencies from my psyche. And we tackled them with a mixture of lifestyle changes and medication.
Some days, the progress seemed to vanish as the obsessive, persistent negative thoughts ran rampant. But the assurance of the next therapy session gave me hope.
Return — Getting back on my feet
In July 2023, I began job-searching. I was intimidated by having to answer questions about my multiple job jumps and my long break from interviewers. However, my friends helped me frame my experiences so that they created a positive and additive effect on my resume.
I received multiple job offers, some of them very lucrative. But I’d learned my lesson from my previous jobs. I chose the offer that gave me the highest level of autonomy and the best chance to rebuild my mental resilience.
My work and relationships have thrived since I returned from my break. I’m about to get married and jetting around the world for work. My devastated finances are gradually building up.
I have a new goal — building a new life with this funny and loving woman. The project keeps my mind focused on the next steps and out of the trench that’s always just a few shuffling steps away.
And the voices have finally gone silent.
What you can take away from my break
I’ll not pretend to have any overarching spiritual message. Through this article, I intended to give some structure to my crazy year away from “normal life”. But still, there are some lessons that you can take away as a reader.
- Plan for a mental break at some point in your near future. With increasingly pressured work environments and extreme competition for limited employment opportunities, it’s your mind that gives first.
- Keep a rainy day fund and a really, really rainy day fund ready. Build enough savings to minimise anxiety during your time away.
- Have a solid plan for transitioning into your old grind. I struggled to navigate without one. Even a simple resolution to get started on your resume in two or three months gives you a reference point and deadline to work towards.
- Stay sane
Happy wanderings!
